Step 5. Collection III

These secrets all came from 3 women. They sent me multiple secrets a day for two weeks, until the close of the project. I am so grateful that they participated!

I'm 21 years old, and I still love to watch family channel late at night and fall asleep to it on the couch

I don't know how to tell my room mate that I don't have feelings for her.

I started getting along with my mother much more when I stopped taking her seriously and started seeing her as a deeply faulted person.

I have seen the opening scenes from Kissing Jessica Stein more than 365 times. I watched it every night for more than a year to fall asleep when I was coming out in college.

I watch the water in the toilet bowl go down the drain

In public washrooms, I tear off the exposed toilet paper hanging out of the dispenser because I believe someone has touched it.

I have to have the water running when I am going to the bathroom, even when I'm at home, I can't have someone hear me.

I have to have the water running when I am going to the bathroom, even when I'm at home, I can't have someone hear me.

sometimes when I drive on a dead road, i pretend that I'm a race car driver and go super fast and make all the noises like a 5yr old child would

I am secretly glad that I get to stay home for a week with swine flu!

I was previously engaged and I still countdown the days to the wedding date we had set. Even though we are no longer together

I am sometimes happier staying home and playing RPG games online on a Saturday night than go out clubbing with friends

I feel in control of life, as long as I remember to put the garbage out.

for the first 18 years of my life, I was scared of my mother, physically and emotionally, and one day, I told her to just fuck off and get out of my life unless she accepted me as me. And I never felt happier than that day.

I've always hated my younger brother, he is 8 years younger, because my parents had money when he was born, so he got spoiled. and they didnt have money when i was a kid. further more, they are much more lax on him than they ever were and are to me. my mom got mad at me when i was 20 because i was drinking. (legal age is 19)

i cheated on her with him... but i won't admit it to either of them.

A year and a half after my ex and I broke up, I feel like I am only now starting to get over her because I stopped checking her facebook page.

i only feel bad about wrong things i've done if i get caught.

i have a boyfriend for the first time, and i secretly enjoy the "priviledges" that being in a heteronormative relationship gives me... it makes me feel like a bad queer!

i never fly to toronto on business, a businesswoman flies me to toronto for lonely nights.

I have no idea what I am going to do with my life after school, and it scares the shit out of me.

when i was still at sacred heart, a handsome young fellow paid me 500$ per month to massage my feet in my uniform

I started getting along with my mother much more when I stopped taking her seriously and started seeing her as a deeply faulted person.

I once masturbated a stranger at the AMC while skipping class to see a matinee by myself.

I want to have sex with the boy who sits behind me in class.
I do not pursue this because I worry it would ruin my "gay cred."

2008 is my year of regret. I don't know what 2009 is yet.

I want to be the best at everything. Including fucking.

This project was born out of my sex work fantasies.

I once had sex with three different people over a long weekend.

i hate wearing tights but i've only been able to reach orgasm with a woman when she tears through the nylon to get to me, anythng else is futile.

I can't remember the names of all the men I've slept with, but I remember the name of every single woman.

I just answered an ad to be a life coach and another to be a sex slave. Both prospects are equally exciting.

at a christmas party, i teased a colleague's husband with my foot while she was in the bathroom. he was hideous, but my colleague's a witch. i wanted to make her cry.

I miss being someone that a lot of people respected. And adored.

I stopped crying most of the time in May.
I stopped crying in movies in August.
Now I've stopped crying all together but it doesn't mean I'm not still hurting.
And as much as I despise her, I hate her too… and what she did, and what she turned me into.

She was my love.

Since I moved back to the city
I don't know who I am anymore,
I don't know what I want, I'm not even sure what I like.
I know I'm not the same person,
I'm not sure if I've evolved (I would like to believe so)
but I know I don't see things the same way.
I am jaded about relationships, love and sex.
I am careless with my carelessness.
It feels as if my passion for love will never return
(no matter how corny it sounds).
One day someone will earn my trust,
in the mean time I can only live the way my body and mind will let me.

Since moving to the city, I don't know who I am anymore. Most of the things I once wanted in life, I now suspect are impossible to obtain.

I am presently sleeping with two girls,
they both know this and are "okay" with it.

I have most definetly masturbated in the bathroom at work.

I know one has feelings for me and I told her that she could leave at any time and I would understand.
She left and came back two weeks later. We are still sleeping together. If I were me before my "evolution",
I would be in a serious, monogamous relationship with this person… but I can't. And I don't want to either.

I often don't invite them out because, according to me,
they are going to "cramp my style".
And the crazy thing is, I'm actually looking for a third.

I am presently sleeping with two girls,
they both know this and are "okay" with it.

I know one has feelings for me and I told her that she could leave at any time and I would understand.
She left and came back two weeks later. We are still sleeping together. If I were me before my "evolution",
I would be in a serious, monogamous relationship with this person… but I can't. And I don't want to either.

I have purposefully gotten people to fall in love with me
even though I knew it was impossible for me to ever love them

I have told people I loved them when I know I didn't mean it.

My desired traits in a lover are a clear indication that I am only trying to recreate the past

I want to be known for more than just the pain I have caused
and the pain I have suffered.

I used to be able to find distraction in cheap thrills, a one night stand, a new love. Now, the thought of those thing disgusts me. Besides that, no one has tried to touch. Not in months.

There is no distraction from myself. Not now.

I have been single for nearly 6 months. This is the longest I've been single since I was 15 years old. This is also the longest I've gone without having sex for just as long.

I used to be the "it girl." Since coming here, I am anonymous. I miss being somebody!

I used to watch the L word on my computer and pretend like I was watching it for the first time, when really, I was already enjoying my second dose.

have never had a one night stand with a woman. Every single time I try , it turns into a relationship. I used to think it was them, unable to stay away. Now I realize its me, using sex to get into relationships so that I don't have to be alone.

I often don't invite them out because, according to me,
they are going to "cramp my style".
And the crazy thing is, I'm actually looking for a third.

Step 4. The Call Out III

Ad. Number 3
Title: Last Call for Secrets w4w Montreal
Everyone has secrets. Send me yours and I'll send you mine. The deeper you dig, the deeper I dig. Anonymity is guaranteed.

My first secret, to get the ball rolling...
I have stopped crying in real life. These days, I only cry at the movies. I figure this means she hurt me REAL bad.
If you are here and queer, tell me your secrets, I'll tell you no lies. Liberate your secrets.

Step 5. Collection II

After I posted the second ad, I got one lone secret:

i have a really impressive book collection. but i don't read most of what's on my shelf; it seems to lose appeal based on how long it's been around. i much prefer sneaking books off my friends' shelves and reading those. sometimes they're the same titles as the stuff i own but don't read.

Step 4. The CallOut II

Then, there was a lull. I didn’t get anything for a while.
I posted a second ad on November 7

Ad. Number 2
Title: searching secrets w4w Montreal
Thank you to those that responded with your secrets. I am still searching for submissions. This is for an art installation. Anonymity is guaranteed. Plus, for every secret you send me, you a piece get dirt on me.
Maybe something a little juicier will entice you to participate?
When guys ask me what "queer" entails, I explain it so they think that they might still have a chance. They don't.
Liberate your secrets.
(don't forget to include your email address so I can write you back)

Step 5. Collection

a lot of the time during class, i sketch pictures of girls i like, even though i'm a terrible portrait artist. i sometimes wonder if the fact that the pictures are never recognizable adequately mitigates the weirdness (possibly creepiness?) of this habit. i suspect it doesn't, but i don't stop.

The ring I wear on my middle finger, the ring I never take off, I found in a public washroom.

i cant stop cheating on my gf. with a guy. i wont fuck him but i cant stop sucking him off

This weekend, I made out with a girl that I don't even like.

i am sometimes put in situations where i must hide my slight fear of sleeping on ground floors.

one of the plugs in my ear is a piece of wood i found on the ground in southern mexico near a huge waterfall.

My ex girlfriend, in telling me she never wanted to hear from me again, called me a parasite. She then proceeded to date my best friend, who has herpes. Apparently having an STD is better than being a parasite.

i sleep with a fan on every night, even when its freezing, i cant fall asleep(easily)
without it.

I am afraid that I peaked during undergrad. This is a source of a great amount of anxiety.

i have a name for my guitar, she's Jolie

Step 4. The Call Out

Ad. Number 1

Title: Lesbian Secret Swap w4w MTL

I want to know your secrets. so for every secret you send me, I'll send you one of mine.

Criteria:

your secrets must be true.

they must be something you haven't told anyone else.

...and i know we tell each other everything, but there has to be SOMETHING you keep to yourself.

You must be a member of the montreal lesbian/trans community.

You must include your email address so I can email you a secret in return.

Only serious submissions please.

All secrets, names and email addresses will be kept anonymous. secrets will be used in an art installation.

Here is my first secret.

at night, I put a pillow behind my back to simulate the big spoon.

If you are here and queer, tell me your secrets, I'll tell you no lies. Liberate your secrets. secretswapmontreal@gmail.com

Step 3. Inspiration II

Aside from being an online posting board, Craigslist is for people looking for and advertising skills and services. The creators of CL discovered a lot of posts originally under "personals" and came up with the name "missed connections" to describe what they were reading. This is the link for Montreal Missed Connections
http://montreal.en.craigslist.ca/cgi-bin/personals.cgi?category=mis


This is a blog that I found that an artist named Sophie Blackall, currently residing in NY, writes. She reads craigslist missed connections and manifests them in art form. One of the videos posted above is about her blog.

She writes: Messages in bottles, smoke signals, letters written in the sand; the modern equivalents are the funny, sad, beautiful, hopeful, hopeless, poetic posts on Missed Connections websites. Every day hundreds of strangers reach out to other strangers on the strength of a glance, a smile or a blue hat. Their messages have the lifespan of a butterfly. I'm trying to pin a few of them down. -SB
http://missedconnectionsny.blogspot.com/

Here is an article that I found that describes the CLMC scenario and even features a testimonial of a couple who claims they met because they shared a moment, and then reconnected through MC's.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/23/nyregion/23romance.html



PostSecret has been a huge inspiration for this project. After deciding to use CLMC to advertise a call out, I discovered Postsecret. With new secrets posted every Saturday, a 4 time book deal and a speaking tour, Frank Warren is the most trusted man in America. People send him secrets on the backs of postcards from all over the place. His new book, Postsecret: Confessions of Life, Death and God, features never seen post cards adorned with the secrets of the anonymous.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Another one of Frank Warren's blogs. Postsecret Community is a site for Postsecret followers to convene, chat, and get updates on Frank's books and speaking tour.
http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/



Like Missed Connections, textsfromlastnight.com is an open source website dedicated to people's deranged, hilarious and self-deprecating texts. Sometimes obscure and completely random, TFLN is fueled by drunken and stoner student ramblings. I like TFLN because they resemble the daily secrets of the lives of those learning to understand the world and themselves.
http://textsfromlastnight.com/

FML is full or irony and self-deprication. A way to mock oneself whilst remaining anonymous and sharing life's little disappointments and insecurities, FML is an inspiration for its ability solicit gasp moments the same way secrets do.
www.fmylife.com



This guy has also been a huge inspiration. He lives his life like one giant social experiment. After hearing about him, I realized that I wanted to do social experiments full time. Part Yes Men, part Postsecret, Part Meow mix.
http://www.ajjacobs.com/content/home.asp

Step 3. Inspiration

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

Step 2. Resources

Missed Connections are online posts where two people cross paths in a public place and then wish to reconnect with that person in a moment of regret. Missed Connections materialize as online posts of these chance encounters that are listed on Craigslist, an online region specific classifieds website. Craigslist became a part of my daily routine when I relocated to Montreal this summer. Looking for apartments, furniture, jobs, musicians to play music with were made easy with a one stop.

A friend of mine recommended I check out Missed Connections in passing. Just another click on my daily routine of observing daily posts that allowed me to connect with people. At first I found the posts to be obscure and abstract. But after getting into the routine of them, I realized that these were very personal and intimate expressions of strangers connecting with others. Usually written with hopes of connecting with romance in mind, missed connections are fascinating looks into the lives of others.

Step 1: Concept

The idea for this project was formulated out of a desire to understand my position on the margins as a new member of the lesbian community of Montreal and a fascination with Craigslist Missed Connections. I spoke about my idea and actually spent a great deal of time talking this over with other community members, other local queers, insiders and outsiders, who all had varying degrees of participation and experience with this crowd.

The Project

To solicit secrets from the lesbian community of Montreal using Craigslist Missed Connections in exchange for my own. As a new member of this localized community, this is an exercise of both learning and discovering the vulnerabilities of a community and an exercise in trust. After a month of collecting and archiving secrets, from November 1 to December 1, my intention is to share them in the Communications Studies Graduate Diploma vernissage Interactions via Bluetooth on guest's mobile phones.

After receiving secrets via email for 1 month, I will contact the participants to invite them to the Interaction vernissage so they experience their secrets and the secrets of others circulating on visitors cellphones via Bluetooth.